In Praise of Podiatry

In Praise of Podiatry

I’m referred to Dr Kingsford; he’s going to fix my feet
‘Cause I‘ve got awful bunions and a hammer toe complete
And just as I hit fifty I swore I’d never be
That middle-aged lady wearing runners down the street

I’d bought the odd orthotic with the special insert for your heel
But until designers got them right their shoes had limited appeal
Except my dog who loved them and consumed them with delight-
Buying replacements monthly gave my Visa card a fright

Kumfs, Clouds and Ziera, they’ve all been on my feet
My penance for years of Army drill and policing on the beat
But when you’re young you never think of corns in years to come
Because you’re ten-foot tall and bullet proof and don’t think of damage done

So Dr Kinsgsford says I need an x-ray just to see
The extent of damage I have done by living fearlessly
And there, just to top I off, I even heard him say
“That’s the most magnificent heel spur I’ve seen until this day”

Luckily he travels from Melbourne to our Albury Wodonga town
To keep our feet nice and straight and our bunions all ground down
But I know why he really does it, ‘cause he likes to eat the dinner
The Commercial Club’s Golf Club chef- he truly is a winner!

So now I lie in surgery and I really am quite scared
Cause the doctor and anaethatist are grooving ’round my bed
They didn’t think I’d hear them, ‘cause they thought I was asleep
But Gregorian chant was blaring together with those monitors that beep

Now I’m sure he’s done a lovely  job of deconstructing all my crimes
And I just can’t wait to wear “real” shoes more suited to the times
Cause there’s nothing worse than going to a party in a dress
With runners on your feet that simply fail to impress

And young ladies just remember as you teeter on those heels
Of this warning that I give to you to prevent your later squeals
Not necessarily from the surgery or the pain that you may rue
But the lack of podiatric rebate from the stingy Medicare crew